i will be like, ignoring this blog for ages and suddenly remember that “oh ya, i still do have a blog, daaang.. haven’t posted anything since XXX” and somehow rather, it’s been more of a burden than a hobby.

That sucks.

Therefore, this bloggy is undergoing a hiatus forever. nah, i don’t know when i’ll update this blog again, perhaps never, and it’s hard to let go something that you hold on for a long time. But something tells me that i have to move on.

Sad, but yea.

Heck, it’s been really stressful for the past few weeks.

I feel stress all the time, and I’ve even contemplated on doing things that i know i won’t be proud off.

okay, I’ve done things that i’m not proud off, things that made me feel remorse.

I’ve put in so much effort and hard work into my studies just to be told that it wasn’t enough.

I.jumped.

into the pool and swam my heart out, as if the whole world owes me. I was tired, but who cares..

i was trying to get rid of some stress, but to no avail.

I broke down, i cried, i shouted, i did air punches, i was angry. Heck, i am still angry now. I feel like snapping my pencil all the time. i grit my teeth, pressed my fingernails against the finger tip.

JUST TO BE TOLD IT WASN’T NOT ENOUGH.

I’m trying… really i am.. You just show up and lecture me about the things that i already knew, things that i’m trying hard to achieve, things i know matters and obviously you don’t think i do.

i’m frustrated.

Suddenly, everything else doesn’t matter anymore. I’ve let go of many things because of my studies. And no, all the opportunity I’ve missed will never come back again.

I feel slow in class, stupid.. i’m trying to be good, excellent.. but apparently my effort wasn’t enough.

i tried understanding, really, but when i still don’t understand. You got so irritated that i just couldn’t stand your sarcasm and  tone anymore. Even when you deny it, i know you have high expectations, and you expect everyone to have photogenic memories, to be smart learners.

I wish i was that person. But unfortunately i’m not. i’m just not. But you should really know that i’m trying..

And at the end of the day, i don’t even know if all this crap i’m feeling right now it’s gonna be worth it.

It better be worth it, the stress i’m feeling right now, it’s the worst feeling of all. i can’t get rid of it.

Sigh..

I hope i can hold on.. i hope i can make it. heck, i better make it….

I think the reason i seldom write anymore is because (besides laziness) i’m BUSY LAR (ahem*coughs*) oklar, that’s just excuses.  

I think i’m in a turmoil of emotions recently, or like always. Today i’ll be all happy and everything and that the world revolves around me and the next day, i feel like everybody is in dept with me. And i start b*tching about basically, EVERYTHING, pity my classmates. Seriously, i think i have an attitude problem. I’ll be rude and mean (yes, stop judging pls) to others and i’ll feel so guilty afterwards and at the very verge of apologizing i’ll end up too coward to do so, therefore just sticking to be as nice as possible to them. -.-

Sighs *shakes head*

Too chicken to take the leap, or too afraid of the outcome.

Whichever that somes better. (does it make sense?)

Recently, i’m so stressed out that i THINK i’m having panic attacks and hyperventilating all the time. (i think , i’m no doctor ok!) I got so frustrated most of the time , break down a few times, which i’ve never expected before. and I never ever expect that i’ll breakdown because of studies. (T.T) I feel like as if i can’t control my emotions.. myself, screw the hormones.

And i tried get some dose of happy drugs a.k.a endorphins by playing Squash. (a week ago perhaps?) Ain’t really working, but at least it’s something.

Anyways, listening to james blunt- stay the night, helps a bit also for now.

Something that cheered my up recently?

Knowing that yesterday was the first day of summer. I know right, sometimes knowing simple things will make you happy d. Like, summer is HERE! It’s instill in my brain that summer=a.w.e.s.o.m.e. i’m not even having breaks or anything (-.-”) It makes no difference to me, but i just sort of felt “siok”.

And i think that i talk too much sometimes and people don’t like to hear me yap too much. Therefore, i resort to blabber it all here. At least if you are reading this, i’m not forcing you to. right? right?

till then lar. ciaoz.

How are ya? Good? That’s excellent!

May just came, oh wait. May is almost gone. Oh, June is coming already!!

Like,What i’ve been up to lately man! i wondered myself how time seams to just flow like that? *snaps on finger*

Well, for staters i’ve been busy with semester 2, and i’m loving every bit of it. (okay, maybe not every bit, some bits) In two more months, i’m done with my year 1, yes.. i’m yearning for that moment to arrive. But i couldn’t stand the thought that i’m always rushing to finish everything. When i was in high school, i wanted high school to end so badly so that i could go off to college. Same thing happened during college, and now uni. sigh. I’m irratated by that thought itself at times. Why can’t i just live at the present and savour it instead of always thinking ahead and wishing that the present may pass by faster. Anyone having the same thought here? 

My hotmail account was blocked recently, pfft.. why bother right? since, i’ve unofficailly ditch that email account ages ago. Plus, i NEVER log into MSN these days, who still does anyways?  But, no.. i panicked over it. I tried all sorts of solutions trying to retrieve back my account. All i could think off was, nope. i ain’t gonna lost my 1st email account just because some hacker decided to hacked my account and use it to spam others. Nope, it ain’t gonna happend. So, i tried and tried , there was a point that i was needed to answer a security question. “Who’s your two childhood best friends” dang. i don’t even remember that anymore. that was how ignorant i realise i was, never did updated my profile through the years. So, i tried plan B, which was to squeeze in ever possible details i could remember and sent it to customor service.

And, the best thing happened. IT WORKED. I was elated, and a little proud of myself to be able to retrieve my account back =) The sense of joy to be able  to log into my hotmail again was awesome. The best part? i found out that my Japanese friend had emailed me!! It was really a surprised because we seldom keep in touch (even though we tried to)  until recently, (you know, because of the disaster incident) and i was really happy to received her email. ^.^

Thinking back, if i hadn’t try to go through the trouble of recovering my email in the first place. i woudn’t have ever, got to read that email. and that’s sad right? So, it was really a blessing in disguise i think. and i can’t wait to reply her later.

Okay, so that was the main gist that made my day in the midst of stressing out ever second trying to keep everything in one piece. >.<

PS: Yes, i’ve abandonned the post-a-week 2011 challenge, i know right?

Till then, au revoir.

Chris.

See you in May.

chaoz.

Sigh. Well, it was rather sad lar. Didn’t know my writing and speaking was that below par.

Recently with finals approaching and having the urge to achieve so many things in a short period of time. Definitely, it requires a huge amount of determination and will power. 

However, being a lazy bone as usual.. i would really want to kick this habit off and be diligent (long enough) for once. Just for me to actually see the results would suffice lar. Hmm, like running in a dark tunnel just to see the light at the end?

Therefore, at this moment.

This is what i need.

Deleting emails are so addictive!

i know right? who would have known that?

Well, this was the situation. i had some time to spare this afternoon before class, so I decided to check my emails as usual (ignoring the fact I’ve accumulated close to 3k of emails through the years) So, just like that, i started clicking on those emails and pressing “”delete”.. and i kid you not,  it brought me down to memory lane.

Those emails mainly consists of subscribed newletters etc. That’s why i never bother to opened them. Only during the initial weeks when i’m so enthusiast about the topic whatsoever.

I encountered so many realization in one afternoon, I know it sounds like i’m boasting or bragging. But it literally felt that i was awed at myself. Rediscovering the person that i used to be, someone that I’ve forgotten after years. My inbox became an archive of the past.

note: I’ll be quoting years next, not to say that i’m old of anything okay.

i really can’t believe myself, (i know i’ve said it many times.. but i really do!)

I think i created the account in 2005, but my oldest email is in 2006. i think because i started playing Maple or something. lolz

I started subscribe to DPS since 2007! that’s even before i got my DSLR. Awesome tips gained from that website y’all. These days i don’t bother to visit the website anymore. Occasionally yes, most of the time? Lazy lar.

Subscribe in guitar lessons websites in 2007, that’s like 3 years before i actually really started practice the thing man.

Had so many blog comments few years back from frequent bloggers like Blaze, Kaili, John, Ruth…. etc.. where art you people these days huh??!!

Got Facebook in mid 2008, only bothered to use it in Dec XD

After exchange to Japan, i subscribed to so many Japanese online lessons thingy but never had the determination to push myself to learn more. Wished i had though..

Got twitter in mid 2009, never bothered to open it since. and i notice i never bothered to open Taylor’s CF emails.. (sorry!) i seriously don’t know why.. maybe it slipped from my eyes when i’m checking my emails :O

2010, Had so many emails from Japanesepod101 till the fact it’s so irritating that i have to unsubscribe it. =.= and inbox was also filled with AIESEC related emails ^.^.. but yea, as usual, i don’t bother to read them. thus, i’ve deleted majority of em just now, except the favourite ones. Noticed, that i’ve actually being offered a TN in Vietnam from Sept 2010-Dec 2010 even before i heard about project in Poland. =3= now i wonder what would have happened if i went Vietnam instead. Totally missed out that email man!

And also all sorts of spam emails.. even has one written in german.

I don’t know why i love subscribing to Airlines too.. it’s not like as if i can afford to buy the hefty tickets anyways.. sigh.

I’ve concluded that based on my emails, i was pretty much obsessed with photography, Japanese, Health (just, i subscribe to lots of sites, but never bother to open it as usual).. etc..i wonder what happened? Haha.. grown up and change? Has other priorities these days? shifts of hobbies? i don’t know lar.. yada yada..

Aww, one think i like about keeping emails even though i don’t read it cause it’s still a part of history. A bit sad it’s all gone now. T.T

Oh well, at least i have fewer junks in the inbox.

Nope, no pics.. sorry. but i’m fascinated that you manage to read till the last line   ok. bye.

PS:  class cancelled tomorrow! woohoo, got a whole day free to do productive stuff! -.-

Okay, quick trivial, “When The Saint Comes Marching in” is the song that will always remind me of my primary days. We used to listen to our school band practice during recess time, and  later on when i joined the band,  i was the one playing this song while marching to and fro in the basketball/volleyball/assembly court. Lols, and that was a sweet ten years ago! O.o, time sure flies.

Alrighty, i know i know, I’ve violate the post-a-week-2011 rule. Due to the fact that, i’m only blogging during the weekends and it’s been a few busy weekends now, with camps and trips, which were awesome by the way. =)

Went camp, it was aN AWESOME DECISION! I met old friends, found new ones. and our group actually won ! hehe..  We did a impromptu skit about Zombieland, Toothbrush and Arnold Scwenerger (screw the spelling) , it’s was so legendary and hilarious!



Another weekend, i had my birthday bash back in my hometown~ Mom made ang chiew mee sua and pizza while lil. bro made sushi (^.^)



Dear BFFs came over with a pleasant surprise. Thanks y’all, love you to bits. >3< and thank you for the hundreds of wishes. Appreciate it. <3



*yea, mom decided to decor the walls with some medals 2bro earn throughout high school by running -3-

Thanks for the Cupcakes lar. you all are too sweet for me. And got a present from Yun Yan (thankssss!) but no picture.. because i forgot -.-



I saw this poster in the uni’s compound and i was elated. AIESEC has finally landed here. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Finally, i’m back to AIESEC again~ Can’t wait for what’s coming up next.

Finally, i went for a MPO concert! It was a tribute to the legendary John Williams.. the genius music composer behind famous Hollywood movies such as, ET, Hook, Jurassic Park, Jaws, Star Wars, Superman.. etc… Had a fantastic night sitting at the 1st row o.O, Yup, we can even see the sweat dripping from the conductor’s forehead. That was how close we were sitting at. Nonetheless, interesting evening spent with Mei Sze (and her friend), Sook Fong(and her dad) and Big Bro. ^.^

Got the chance to play with this baby too =P  kinda cool.

I beg to differ..

I have a dream,

That is to travel around the world someday!~

Yeah, i know it’s cheesy lar..

music in my ears: waiting till the end-linkin park